A dream. A romance. A love. In Words. I think you prefer when the world "together" means not "a million," but just two.

  Poems to Louis


I was one of the insatiables. The ones you'd always find sitting closest to the screen. Why do we sit so close? Maybe it was because we wanted to receive the images first. When they were still new, still fresh. Before they cleared the hurdles of the rows behind us. Before they'd been relayed back from row to row, spectator to spectator; until worn out, secondhand, the size of a postage stamp, it returned to the projectionist's cabin. Maybe, too, the screen was really a screen. It screened us... from the world.


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I know I always laugh about those who fall in love.
About those who seem to go crazy over it.
Those who seem to fly while they walk and talk.

I know I said I accepted my fate to be alone forever.
I said I had to make peace with my reality.
I know I said I'd never fall in love or be loved
the way I wished I was.

Why this?
Why now?
Why me?

I almost accepted my fate and then this came along.
And it's so confusing I don't understand anything.
The uncertainty kills me.

I know that one-time-things are easy for me.
No feelings, no uncertainty.
I go and then it's over.

But is this really different?
Or is this just a joke, a trick to make me
go crazy?

I know I always laugh about those who fall in love.
About those who seem to go crazy over it.
Those who seem to fly while they walk and talk.

I laugh about them because deep in my heart
I wish it was me, who
seems to fly while they walk and talk.

What now?
4.12.07 00:26



It feels certain.
I'll definately have to be alone forever.
I'll have to die alone.

I'll end up all by myself ...
5.12.07 00:43


How am I to overcome this huge sadness?

When you're low, you don't fall that deep.
But when you feel like flying, the fall will break your neck.
And your heart ...
8.12.07 00:10


Ich weiß gar nicht was schlimmer ist.

Die verzweifelte, tiefe Traurigkeit von damals,

oder das pervers eklige Gefühl dazu benutzt worden zu sein das Ego eines Egomanen aufzupolieren ...
8.12.07 00:14

Do I really want it that way?

I'm not sure how this is going to go on, if it does anyway.

Who knows?

Does he? He might, but he'd never tell.

And I have not a single clue, I just have to "go with the flow" or stop it or die or whatever to end it.

I don't know, but what I do know is that it doesn't feel right at times. At too much times.

So there's the decision isn't there? I have to end it. I have to end it all. all that concerns my heart.

The rest? Fuck the rest. All the rest doesn't really matter. Another brick in the wall. Another ... I don't know ... something.

Fuck the rest.
Let the rest fuck.
The rest will be fucked.
19.12.07 00:40


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